I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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