Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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