I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
