i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
