Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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