so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
