the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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