Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I had to cum in my sink.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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