wanna go halves on a baby?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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