lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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