I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
