Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
