I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
FUCK WHALES
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