in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
this will be a night to untag.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
