so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
sarcasm needs its own font
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
A+ Viking dick
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
