There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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