Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm eating all of the evidence.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize