Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
where does the pee come out of this thing
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
