Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
