I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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