Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just found a bag of teeth...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
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