I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
