Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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