I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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