I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
