at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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