Where is the hickey?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
