Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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