i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
