My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we made out on top of his cat.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
