....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
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