mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
