My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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