My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
