Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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