my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
