A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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