just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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