I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
