just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
