I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
