i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
