I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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