peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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