the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
50% drunk capacity currently
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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