GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
