I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
