I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
