Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
i think my cat just said my name.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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