Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize