Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
