we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
