In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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