i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
