No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
