Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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