I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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