After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Randomize