Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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