OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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