blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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