i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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