When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
