I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
