now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
