wakey wakey hands off snakey
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
