video games are the ultimate cock blocker
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize