I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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