im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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