there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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